Silencing the internal soundtrack of lies

I’ve been reading this book by my pastor Steven Furtick “Crash the Chatterbox” It really hits home with me because it goes to the root of the problem. Why do we have such a negative soundtrack? Why do we believe the devil’s half truths? Why are we scared of the unknown? It has really gotten myself to become more aware of my thoughts, opinions and beliefs about who I think I am and who God says that I am and who he’s making me to be. If I was to be honest with myself I would say I’m a joyful person most of the time but there is one issue (my epilepsy) that always brings about a negative soundtrack. This is what goes through my mind in the hours, days, sometimes weeks after an episode: I’m sure I really scared the crap out of those people, I’m sorry I can’t control it better and that I scared you, OMG why can’t I stop crying people must think I’m a mess that I can’t even do anything by myself, What if this never goes away? What if it does? is my identity so wrapped up in this that if i were to be free from it I wouldn’t be ME? I’ll probably never own my own car or know what it feels like to go on a road trip bymyself to surprise a friend just for the heck of it. I’m a burden on people they always have to go the extra mile (literally) for me. I’m a mess why can’t I be ok with this? I’ve dealt with this for years and i’m not as bitter as I once was but it still hurts. what’s the difference between putting up a facade and faking it until you make it? It takes awhile for me to pull myself out of that pity party and combat it with truths. During that time I will say I’m doing good when I may not be good. I am a hot mess sometimes. However God’s soundtrack sounds very different in comparison to mine Maybe you did scare those people but they are concerned for your safety and have your best interest at heart, I made you I know what you can handle don’t think that you are less than what I’ve made you to be, you can do all things through me who gives you the strength, if it doesn’t go away then I have bigger plans for you, Your identity is in me and I never change, the people who love you will be happy to go that extra mile, you have built stronger friendships b/c you have to depend on them. 

If you are with me during this time know that I love you and it means the world to know that I can depend on you and you don’t see me as less of a person because of it. Also I’ve heard that in that semi conscious state I have said some things unfiltered that some might take offense to, please don’t take them personally. I pray that you won’t live in fear that it will happen. The best thing for me is to make sure I’m not physically hurt, let me cry and hug me.

Published in: on November 5, 2015 at 6:01 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Love you, Bre 🙂

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